It is a wonderful time of the year. The return of the McDonald’s McRib. Every year, the fresh harvest of some unnamed endangered animal yeilds this delightful, supposedly pork by-product on bread and covered in BBQ sauce and onions. And, sadly, this is easily comparable to the political scene that makes us all wish, deep down, that we were ruled by tyrants who didn’t allow us to get involved. Hell, one could make the argument that the Democrats are doing that now by wanting the government to give us money, healthcare and possibly lobotomies and sterilization (we’re still finding out what’s in Obamacare, so don’t tell me it’s impossible). They want to do everything for us, so maybe they’ll want to vote for us one day.
But, no, this is not an indictment of the Democrats in Washington who feel they need to hold our hands through every walk of life. Instead, let’s compare the McRib to a typical election cycle. They both come once a year, usually at the worst possible time, like right when the weather turns from “Eh, this is all right” to “Fuck everything, I’m staying inside until the weather returns to normal.” The polls are filled with people who either watch Fox News or MSNBC (you know, the people who want truly fair and unbiased news), because no one else has been scared into thinking the other side of the political spectrum has a doom ray that will kill us all if we don’t do something to keep them out of power. These are people who, like McRib lovers, care entirely too much about something that, except in rare cases, will never affect them in a positive manner.
The McRib is slathered in BBQ sauce, along with onions and pickles (I find it horrifying that they put pickles on there at all, but who am I to judge the culinary genius of a frightening clown?) and you are expected to not only wolf it down, but get an extra one for just one more dollar. Political elections are similar in that local and statewide elections not only give you a prinary, but a runoff for little to no extra cost (except your time and, if you listen to any political commercial, your sanity). Every candidate is marinated in some feel good rhetoric that, once you swallow it, gives you heartburn and goes straight to your thighs.
Political election days involve waiting in long lines, and you’re always standing behind someone 250 lbs. larger than you, making you feel uncomfortable about being there because what if his heart stops and he falls backward? There’s no way you can catch gravity’s drawback and survive. If you don’t understand how this related to the McRib, chances are you are the 250 lb. larger person. Check behind you to see.
Lastly, the McRib is a symbol of American democracy. People demand it and get it, and someone gets rich from it. If you don’t see the relationship there, you truly think you are making a difference, don’t you?