The Media Guide to Assault Weapons

The media seems to be having some trouble figuring out what is and is not an assault weapon. With all attention turned to the subject, those who recording history as it happens need an accurate guide as to what is and what is not an assault weapon. With the freedom of access to information in mind, I have come up with the definitive list of what is an assault weapon. With this in mind, our government can better regulate it.

1. Bushmaster .223

This looks scary. Let's add it.

This looks scary. Let’s add it.

2. AK-47

You are now remembering Goldeneye 64.

You are now remembering Goldeneye 64.

3. AR-15

I expect the government to seize this post just because of this gun.

I expect the government to seize this post just because of this gun.

4. Submachine Gun

A sleek weapon of mass destruction.

A sleek weapon of mass destruction.

5. Automatic Pistol

A favorite of cartels and crime show villains.

A favorite of cartels and crime show villains.

6. Gatling Gun

bangbangbang

Going old school here.

7. Gatling… Shotgun?

I... was just typing shit into Google. Someone actually designed this?!

I… was just typing shit into Google. Someone actually designed this?!

8. Rocket Launcher

It's like I'm a mini tank!!!

It’s like I’m a mini tank!!!

9. The Needler

Best gun from Halo. Also tremendously scary-looking and thus should be banned.

Best gun from Halo. Also tremendously scary-looking and thus should be banned.

10. Lord Voldemort

He's killed a lot of children.

He’s killed a lot of children, too.

11. The Batman

The Goddamn Batman

He doesn’t need all that money, anyhow. We’ll seize it, too.

12. Rush Limbaugh

You know you want to, American Left.

You know you want to, American Left.

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