Joe Solves Congress

I have decided on a way to fix Congress.

We all complain about Congress not listening to us… regardless of political affiliation. With its approval at an all-time low, lower than even Barack Obama’s or the Lakers’, I have decided to take it upon myself to fix it and return it to something we can be proud of. And, this is a totally non-partisan solution. And it involves apps. AND it makes C-SPAN watchable. So we can all be happy.

As we all know, polling is a large driving force behind modern politics. Do polls show they want more bi-partisanship? They’ll go for it. Does polling show you shouldn’t be so extreme in something? Political behavior henceforth will reflect that… Sometimes. Sometimes, they only listen to other political elites and we don’t ever get what we as voters want. Well, let’s do real-time polling with actual results, shall we?

First, this involves some extra government spending. Sorry, my conservative friends, but we’ve gotta spend a nickel to make a dime (unless you’re someone I happen to know who got that phrase backward once…). For this, we need only a few hundred thousand. And, it will actually involve a tax. So, yeah, this is a sudden turn off for you of the Red States. But don’t worry, I’m going to make it up to you in wonderful (non-sexual) ways. Actually, I can’t promise that little parenthetical part. We have some freaks in Congress.

So, this money will go into some wiring, copper plates and 435 car batteries, initially. Also, we will have C-SPAN work up an app for iOS and Android (suck it, Blackberry). The app will have you log in with your voter registration (name and birthday for verification). It will then load video of whatever is going on in Congress right then, with you choosing the Senate or the House of Representatives. Specifically, it will feature a camera pointed at your legislator (your Congressman or Senator) as the main video, with a smaller video in the corner kind of like a Skype call, but instead of showing you, it will show either the House Speaker, Senate Majority Leader or the person speaking at the time.

When it comes time for the chamber of Congress you’re watching to vote, you will notice both a green check mark and a red “X” at the bottom of the screen. They will be inactive buttons until your legislator votes. At that point, you can hit either the check or the X. After the entire chamber votes, then the fun begins.

Remember the battery, copper plate and wiring? Well, if more than fifty percent of the voting public dislikes the vote cast, then that battery will be activated, delivering a painful shock, much like a dog’s shock collar, only to the groin instead of the neck. After the shock, the head of the chamber will ask if anyone wants to change their votes. The ones who were shocked will either change their vote or we will all realize they have some messed up sexual wiring.

The tax I mentioned? The app costs $0.99 and you have to pay $0.99 more after every 50 votes you make. Revenue raising, baby.

Think of it as American Idol, but with substantially less Ryan Seacrest. Actually, scratch that. Let’s get the low-information voters involved, too. If Seacrest is involved, we’re guaranteed to get that many more voters. All of a sudden, we have a democratic process. And when it comes time for elections, we simply get rid of the ones who were shocked so much they couldn’t possibly have any illicit affairs anymore.

Everyone wins.

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