Joe’s Essential Christmas Music

Merry Christmas to all of you, especially the ones offended at the phrase. You need some merry in your life, so at least find a good liquor. This year, I’m hoping you all have been celebrating the season with the appropriate music, which does not include “Feliz Navidad” because it’s just awful. However, Fun. seems to have their own Christmas song, so use that instead.

However, if conventional Christmas music seems stale to you, why not use this opportunity to find out what I use to celebrate the season with the list below. I’ve been gathering the goodness over the years and I wish to share it this year because I’m getting old (I’m nearly 26!) and I might forget them real soon.

Jonathan Coulton Didn’t Just Write The Portal Songs:

If you recall the song “Still Alive,” then congratulations! You’re a nerd. But, relax, you’re reading my blog, so at some level this was always true. However, he didn’t just write that. He also did some other great stuff, like a folky version of “Baby Got Back” that was so good Glee stole it and didn’t give him credit at all. In his several wonderful albums, Coulton has three Christmas songs that are great for the kids at Christmas.

“Podsafe Christmas Song” is a spoof of Alvin and the Chipmunks and the desire to sing a song that doesn’t get attacked by the RIAA, which are rightly called thugs.

“Chiron Beta Prime” is one of those songs that will probably be a problem I will face in the future, maybe. Celebrating Christmas on a prison colony located on an asteroid is important for keeping one’s sanity.

“Christmas is Interesting” is all about all the Christmas stories and melded together in a way that makes you think an elderly dementia patient with access to some pot would be singing it.

Weird Al Does A Lot Of Things Well, Like Christmas

Weird Al Yankovich remains one of my favorite artists ever, and a huge inspiration to me. Several of his albums are amazing to listen through from start to finish and, of course, he has some Christmas tunes. And they remain perfect Weird Al.

“Christmas At Ground Zero” was written WELL BEFORE 9/11 so that is not the “ground zero” you’re thinking of. In the 80s, everyone was worried about the Russians and nuclear weapons, so naturally he’d write a song about the first Christmas after a nuclear attack.

“The Night Santa Went Crazy” is a great, family-friendly song for the kids to learn about workplace violence.

Bob Rivers Has A Whole Album Of Great Songs. Here’s Two.

Bob Rivers is a phenomenal writer and has a whole freaking album of Christmas parodies. There are two I love the most, however.

“The 12 Pains of Christmas” is one of the first Christmas parodies I ever heard and it’s been a favorite for years. I always lose it at “Now why the hell are they blinking?!” and you just might, too.

“The Restroom Door Said ‘Gentlemen'” is one I only recently discovered and it was all thanks to Neal Boortz, my favorite talk show host. Though retired, he fills in for Herman Cain from time to time and did it this Christmas season. I fell in love instantly.

Dennis Leary Is Always Kinda Offensive

Dennis Leary is a great comedian and actor, and even has a few song credits. This particular song is one my mom and I discovered, even if she’s sorta embarrassed that I say that. On a day we went Black Friday shopping together, we gave it a listen, and it was worth it.

It’s a great listen. Just not around kids.

Feel Free To Send Me Yours

Everyone has a favorite funny Christmas song, and I’m always up for adding to my playlist. So go ahead and suggest away.


Merry Christmas, folks. Thanks for reading. It means a lot.


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