Hat tip to Scott Lincicome for inspiring this. It all started when I mentioned how awesome 2016 is by listing some expected candidates: Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, Chris Christie, and John Kasich. All four governors (which I prefer over Senators), and all for moderate Republicans who run against some of the (key) planks of the party platform and interest. I could also say that they are all opportunistic asses who shouldn’t be trusted but, hey, politicians.
Well, Lincicome saw me tweet those names and responded by calling them “The Four Horsemen.” Which leads us to this post. Allow me to present to you The Four Horsemen of 2016.
1) Jeb Bush as… The White Horseman
The expected savior of the party (this time), Bush is all things to all people. Except Republicans. Because he’s pro-immigration reform and pro-Common Core. Like some weird version of a Republican hipster, he was running as the moderate option of 2016 before it was cool. Bush has a knack for not being a conservative favorite by saying things conservatives don’t like.
2) Mitt Romney as… The Red Horseman
The Red Horseman was given permission to take peace from the land. He has been at war with conservatives since at least 2012 and has spilled the blood of his enemies… on his own side. On the other side, he has an amazingly bad track record of spilling blood, failing to remain popular enough for re-election as governor, failing to knock off John McCain in 2008, and failing to knock off Barack Obama in 2012 (and all this despite pouring money into races like he had an infinite cash cheat (Hint: He does)). The most blood shed in his war path was probably the hundreds of gerbils who were supposed to be running the ORCA GOTV system.
3) Chris Christie as… The Pale Horseman
Much like Plague and Pestilence, Chris Christie has been sucking the life from conservatives for years now. He was the red meat-lovin’ firebrand conservatives loved, and then he wobbled a bit on gun control, but they still supported him. Then, he gave a fairly weak speech at the Republican National Convention, and his supporters’ strength was sapped even more quickly. Then, he was seen walking along a romantic beach with Barack Obama, and his supporters’ strength was gone (and a few of them died, probably). Christie has a knack for killing his own headwind, like hiring people who would shut down a bridge for petty reasons and there is also famine because of (enter fat joke about eating all the food here).
4) John Kasich as… The Black Horseman
The Black Horseman. Death. The greatest enemy to the life of mankind and, in this case, the Republican Party. Kasich is a man who is devout in his work, believing the Lord told him to kill. Using Obamacare’s Death Panels. Because he expanded Obamacare in his state. Get it?