Do not mess with the twenty dollar bill

Earlier today, I discovered there was a movement to put a new face – the face of a woman – on the twenty dollar bill. Immediately, I was aghast. This is, of course, a terrible idea because of the implications such a change would have. This is the kind of thing that takes years of discussion and planning to attempt, and you certainly don’t do it through an online campaign.

The bill currently depicts one of the scariest men to ever hold the office of the president – Andrew Jackson. Now, I am no believer in the zombie apocalypse, but if there was ever a president that wasn’t Teddy Roosevelt who could survive death, it would be Andrew Jackson (largely because he had done it so many damn times already).

Andrew Jackson is a man known for two things:

1) He survived an assassination attempt in which two different guns later proven to be working just fine were too scared of Andrew Jackson to unleash their fiery wrath on him. The would-be assassin was saved from Jackson’s cane by Jackson’s staff, who feared he might straight-up kill the hell out of the poor soul who crossed him.

2) He regretted the fact that there were people he didn’t kill, including his own vice president. After Martin van Buren was elected, he reportedly told a friend that he was upset he didn’t “shoot Henry Clay” and “hang John C. Calhoun.” Calhoun was Jackson’s vice president. He was sad he didn’t kill him. He was sad he didn’t kill his first vice president. Do you understand what I am repeating here: HE WAS UPSET HE DIDN’T HANG HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.

That is not a man you try to steal turf from. God help you if Zombie Andrew Jackson is wielding his cane (which he beat the hell out of his would-be assassin with) or a pistol (he got into a ton of duels because Death was Andrew Jackson’s… well, this is a family-friendly blog, but it’s not a nice word). In fact, even if you try to shoot Zombie Andrew Jackson in the head (because Resident Evil says that’s what you’re supposed to do, guess what? You still lose. Via mentalfloss.com:

3. ON KILLING CHARLES DICKINSON IN A DUEL

Though Dickinson shot first and hit Jackson squarely in the chest, nearly killing him, Old Hickory calmly took his shot as if he had not been wounded at all. When a friend expressed his astonishment at Jackson’s composure, Jackson stated“If he had shot me through the brain, sir, I should still have killed him.”

DO NOT TAKE HIS SPOT ON THE TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.

The other key issue with this plan is, of course, economic. Do you dare try to mess with the value of U.S. currency? Because we all know that, with a woman on the bill, it’s only worth $15.40, which is an excellent math and political joke and I thank you for the chuckle before the outrage at such a sexist comment set in.

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