In Joe Cunningham’s America: Fixing the Culture

I’ve got an idea. It’s an idea that will be panned as targeting the less fortunate. It will be attacked as a limit to free speech. It will probably be called racist. I don’t care. In Joe Cunningham’s America, this is how we get things back under control. We will tie outrage culture to the economy.

Here me out, naysayers.

Every year, each person over the age of 18 will receive a folder in the mail. It will be addressed to them individually, not as families. Each folder will have 15 little coins inside. These will be Outrage Tokens. You cannot write a blog post, form a protest, or appear on TV to be outraged without paying a token. You only get 15 for free, however. If you run out, you can’t be publicly outraged anymore.

Unless you pay a fee.

For the modest fee of $100 per coin, you can get extra tokens. There will be more than one Outrage Vendor, of course, but they will have to be contracted by the government. This is a government program, after all. A percentage of the profits from the tokens will be returned to the government, where it will be used in the same manner as tax money. Therefore, your Outrage can keep a family’s welfare benefits!

Take a moment to realize how big a cash cow Tumblr and MSNBC alone would be, and you’re only reaching the tipping point.

There will be some people who can’t afford to complain as much as they want. There will be some who can. There will be people who will have to learn to ration out their outrage. Salon will have to buy these tokens in bulk to distribute to their writers. In fact, it could very well be an employee benefit.

In Joe Cunningham’s America, if you’re going to be a whiny twit, you’re going to have to pay for it.

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